


Wacky Adventure Tales: Flirts, Songs, Eggs.

by Mr_A_Firebender



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: A Kyoshi Warrior's Guide to Dating Dai Li, Aang may be a good singer, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Earth Queen Toph, F/M, Katara loves a good singer, One Shot, Shenanigans, Suki's Guide to Dating Sokka, The Avatar is an oblivious Egg (just roll with it), The Dai Li Choir, The POV's not drunk enough for all this, Toph has a Badgermole friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23452657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_A_Firebender/pseuds/Mr_A_Firebender
Summary: The Earth Empress really tried to avoid talking to the Avatar, but the Avatar showed up anyways.And Sokka was caught without a shirt while he kissed Suki.Can the Dai Li and their silky smooth late 50s voices save the day?A prompt written by a man who needs a drink written by a sleep-deprived man.
Relationships: Aang/Katara (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Wacky Adventure Tales: Flirts, Songs, Eggs.

**Author's Note:**

> You need context. I can deliver context:
> 
> Toph, 16 is the Earth Empress and rules the Earth Empire. It's like the Earth Kingdom but cooler sounding. She's as badass as in canon, but this time she runs a country. And she gets what she wants. And she has a adorable badgermole friend.  
> Mori, 17, is her Imperial Consort and Earth Emperor and subordinate to her. He's a nonbender, a auburn-haired Kyoshi Islander and Suki's cousin. And like his cousin, he loves Clear Whiskey (it's vodka. It's just vodka).  
> Suki and Sokka are 17, Katara's 16, Aang's 15, the Royal Earthbending Guard (renamed the Imperial Metalbending Guard) miss their whiskey, the Kyoshi Warriors love their Emperor and the Dai Li can win any and all staring contests. Except against Toph.
> 
> Everyone retains their canon achievements except Aang didn't win the Hundred Year War (the Earth Kingdom did, led by Toph) or defeat Fire Lord Ozai (also Toph, courtesy some biplanes. Yes. Biplanes), and he's still a bit of an innocent guy. Oh, and Mori just recovered (thanks for the heals Kat) from a rotund man kicking his ass with a giant anime sword. 
> 
> Oh and Pu-On Tim writes what the masses love. And the masses love erotic plays. Because they're a reflection of the ATLA fandom, I mean...they're the masses. 
> 
> This is your final warning. This is the most kosher (I.e. no smut or ooc affection) off-the-rails bonkers stuff you've *ever* read. 
> 
> Thank you. Ten Thousand Years.

Chapter Seventy Nine (or: One) of many (or: One).

“Would you _like_ to explain?” I asked the Prince as he collected himself. His hastily made reply, as sturdy as a Imperial-made biplane? “So I went to ask Her Earthliness how she was doing and I found Suki standing outside the front door-” “Why are you not wearing a shirt?” _rudely_ interrupted a person running up behind myself in her usual annoyed self as opposed to her other motherly self or my less-annoyed ' _what am I even doing here'_ self. Either way, self. I looked down at my lack of a cover, go figure, that's a side effect of having surgery performed, and turned around to face the oncoming annoyed waterbender. _Quick, think of something. Something wise_. “I do as Her Imperial Majesty commands. If she wishes for me to go without a shirt, I will-” _Note: That was not the wisest thing to say to a woman. Or_ _Katara_. “Not you, him!” and Katara halted, instantly going into a hands-on-hips pose to face her brother. _Oh, of course. Why would you care about my lack of_ \- “Your robe’s over there” she interrupted my _wise_ monologue and pointed at the docile skybison being petted by his best friend. 

“Your Holiness, can you fetch me my robe?” I shouted. I could’ve ran but _it’s more fun to stand here and listen to a sister reprimand her brother_ . _Yes, Suki, now I get to be the spectator, not the competitor_ . “You make fun of Aang and I when we kiss, which, _by the way_ , how immature of you, but the moment you find Suki, who _has a job_ , you lose your shirt?” I expected the sea that we were tangentially adjacent to, _thanks maps_ , to freeze. But we were only tangentially adjacent to it and not _practically_ adjacent to it. Nonetheless, _it's reprimand time_ . The two got face-and-face and engaged in a duel of words. “I was saying to His Earthliness-” “Say it to me, he’s probably busy” _I’m not. I’m standing here. I promise, I have far more important massage-related tasks to do, but they can wait. It's rare to have the, as one angsty Fire Lord would say, honor, to witness such spectacles._ Some kind of wind-like blast of wind tossed me my Informal Robes. Then he dropped my weapon next to my side. “Thanks Your Holiness!” and I’m sure the happy Avatar was waving to me as he said “no problem, Your Earthliness!” from whatever high point of pride he was gallivanting around on. Or an airball. _That’s still not my name_ . _Your Earthliness doesn't conjugate properly. And it's not even a title. Then again Lord Egg is not a title, but it's your title. So, Lord Egg, can we agree to agree?_

Sokka’s beloved, no not the girl -I mean _young woman_ , _forgive me Your_ _Majesty_ \- with the one-sided crush on him, also no, not the one dressed like a pink circus acrobat with the one-sided mega-crush, the _other_ _other_ one, marched into this three way conversation of two. “Forgive me, Your Majesty” and she bowed to me. The two siblings looked at us for a moment. “I should ask for your forgiveness, I see that I interrupted a moment of happiness” I said in a mock of Oyaji’s accent before hitting Suki in the shoulder. _Because if Toph can do it to me, I can do it to her_. _I'm talking about shoulder punches, not whatever strange things you're definitely giggling to, Sukes_. “But...but...my brother! He has no shirt!” Katara pointed out for those of us who are visually limited. Like me. No wait I'm mentally limited. _I don't have time for this_. “And?” Suki and I said at the same time, a demonstration of our eerie vaguely-convenient and sometimes-useful sync powers. “He makes fun of when Aang and I kiss!” said the woman who was supposedly taking the ‘mature’ or 'motherly' side of the argument. Her whiny voice didn't help her point-of-view. I dared to cut her maturity in two. “So what? Did you ask him what happened?” But, you can't argue with someone who's very mature and _such_ a grown-up. You just can't. They're always older and right-er than you. And they can waterbend. “Why would I need to? He probably saw Suki and” she raised her hands and modified her voice to sound like Sokka’s, well, inebriated Sokka's, but close enough, “went something like ‘Oh Suki, I love you so much, let’s go to a closet and take off our clothes!’ and thank Tui and La, you grabbed him before-” Sokka's desperate cries of confession made his sister halt her offensive offensive. “That’s not what happened.” As it happened, he was the immature one with a more mature perspective. At least he _admits he makes mistakes_. 

“I saw Suki and she tackled me” and now Katara’s annoyed look was looking at an annoyed Suki. Suki, albeit annoyed, was still a Kyoshi Islander. And we like to smile when we've been...well 'found out' implies that accidental-shirt-removal was illegal, and it's not. Let's go with...we like to smile when we've had fun. And won. And had fun while winning. “I did. Then I dragged _you"_ and she couldn't say that _more_ flirtatiously if she tried, "to a closet”. And Sokka took his hands and frantically pointed at Suki like she was a phantom about to vanish. “See! She started it!” he said in an accusatory tone. _Nobody expected someone to confess and the confession to be proven accurate. Where's the fun of_ _that_? She continued her smiling campaign against Katara, “I did. And he enjoyed it. Or we would’ve...” and if one needed proof of her genuineness, she blushed. “How could you, Suki?” the frustrated-because-her-argument-was-blown-out-of-the-sky Katara asked, throwing her hands to her sides. “That’s Captain Suki to you, non-Imperial” some random Dai Li agent who popped in from a different scene, maybe an action-related one, informed us. “ _Captain_ Suki, how could you?” Katara, after looking at this obscure conical hat person, corrected herself. “That’s Her Highness, Captain Suki, to you, as you are not a noblewoman.” the average-heighted hat wearer added. “But you just said..." but whatever Katara just said didn't matter because the reality of trying to debate a Dai Li agent hit her like a boulder hitting a fleshy, fleshy, human, "...nevermind.” and Katara walked off. To avoid the inevitable waterbender versus earthbender duel of mood-swings versus ceiling-swings, I yelled “Master Katara! Recall that on Kyoshi Island, we have different customs!” Credit to me, I tried to conclude the discussion on a high point for our culture and a lowpoint for her’s. “What customs?” she shouted to me, since she was standing too far away to have a normal voiced conversation with. Oh, and Suki giggled. Continuing my campaign of Kyoshi Island-is-best-Island-your-island-is-worse, “There’s no ‘oogies’ here, Master Katara, Captain Suki likes Sokka, she’s free to do whatever she wishes”. “But he’s still a hypocrite” she counter-shouted, flailing her arms about like a drowning rock attempting to grow a pair of arms. _Wait but rocks can't grow arms._ She flailed her hands about exactly as one would expect her to flail them about. That kind of nonsense works in water but on land? Ha. I pointed out to her, using my finger, “So? Welcome to politics." Before she could comprehend what I said, a horn blared.

“Her Imperial Majesty is coming outside!” announced a nameless Imperial Guard. I ran away from the lovers, and the _other_ lovers lovingly loving each other next to their sky bison, and over to the train carriage door. Why? Well, according to the wise playwright Pu-On Tim, my 'lover' was showing up and as such I was required to answer her summons. In his 'plays', such 'summons' tend to result in things that are not appropriate for sentient beings underneath the age of one hundred and eighteen. “At attention!” I yelled like I was being kneed somewhere I shouldn't be kneed, and I drew my _jian_ . The Dai Li who were already stiff had to look back and forth to ensure they maintain a, in this case, three men spread of stiff-backed stiffness. The Imperial Guard poured out of the carriage in an organized fashion, most of them quite happy to reconnect with their grassy roots, and lined up on either side of an aisle that didn’t exist. _It’s just grass._ Didn’t matter, they were still trained to form two lines and they formed those lines. Then came the bannermen, or, men of the Imperial Guard carrying the Imperial Standard and other Imperial Flags and Imperial Banners and _Imperial Imperial Imperial..._ Nobody was kowtowing to me because they were all busy forming lines and ensuring absolute perfection. And carrying things with earth coins on them. And flying boars. And golden fans.

“Your Majesty, where do our lines go?” one of the Imperial Guard asked, his small goatee beard threatening to pop out of his helm. _I guess it’s not absolute perfection_ . Because I'm not a walking organizer of people, I honestly told him “I have no idea. Just keep the lines straight.” Because I _am_ a purveyor of cool poses, I sheathed my blade and tightened up my Informal Robes. _Under, over, through the loop_ . _No, you screwed it up and tied your sarashi to your robes. Genius. Over, under, through the loop._ Then for dramatic effect, since we’re all about showing off, I drew my blade again. I could've placed it on the ground, or not sheathed it at all, my clothes were already on, but...why do less work? It _might_ also be because I love the sound of unsheathing a blade and will look - _ha_ \- for any opportunity to unsheath my blade. Also because this one Piandao-forged blade costs more than most people's _siheyuans._ The Avatar and his two friends formed a 'kind of' line over by Appa. Somehow even with just three they can’t maintain any semblance of organization. How this person was slated to bring world peace...I have no idea. _Get, in, a, line! Pretend to be in a line!_ Captain Wuhan and his thick Northern accent meant Her Imperial Majesty was near. _Quick, you idiot, come up with all the proper titles. And get 'em right!_ I had to cough twice. I pointed my _really really expensive blade_ at the really really 'important' egg and shouted “Your Holiness!”

“Presenting…” _time for a deep inhale. One, two, three. Deep. Inhale._ “Her Imperial Majesty, the First Earth Empress, the Lady of Gaoling, the Blind Bandit, Daughter of the Spirits, the Liberator of Ba Sing Se, the Reformer, the Inventor of Metalbending, Slayer of Fire Lord Ozai, Winner of Earth Rumble Five and Seven, Rider of Badgermoles, the Victor of the Hundred Year War, Wielder of the Mandate of the Spirits and-” I spend through the titles at the speed of a duck-goose on the run from me- only to be cut off, like a duck-goose on the run from me, by “Oh be quiet Kyoshi!” the child-sized Empress's voice, followed by her, herself, as she exited the carriage. Two lines of golden Imperial Guard sank to the ground in one mass motion. _Good on you lot, you can kowtow!_ The Dai Li line bowed in their personal style. Katara and Sokka copied Aang’s Air Nomad style of bow. _The Court's still out on whether or not that's even a bowing style or if he's just leaning over to tie his nonexistent shoes. Because only peasants go barefoot. Well...peasants and mountain-flicking Empresses._ Being at the end of one of the lines and also being me, I was the last to go down. I planted my blade in the soft soil and kowtowed to the casually-walking-over-to-me person. While in a kowtow, I was privileged to watch this pair of small feet walk down the dirt before reaching where I lay. “Oh get up, you’re not good lying there!” and unsure of whether the command was to myself or to the entire force, everyone got up at the same time. _Note, I wish there was a shorter way to say her titles. But she’s got so, so many. And we're only going to invent more because someone's got a well-paying job replacing all those signs. If it exists, there is a title for it._

I got up and sure enough, her hair was still a mess and she was dressed in her usual wrestler attire. I forced myself, by pretending that a randomly appeared Ty Lee popped into existence, to bow to the three foreign dignitaries. I tried to act as the herald of the Empress, “Her Imperial Majesty has been preoccupied with-” but I was cut off by her, herself. “Boredom. Sitting in a stuffy carriage is stuffy and _boring_ ” so said the ear-picking Empress who just began her ear-picking. “You know who I love?” She asked, clearly the whole 'let's _not_ engage the Avatar in conversation' plan was working wonders. _Where’s this going?_ “Captain Boomerang, Your Majesty?” I offered. _No, no, the crush was meant to be secret, you too-sober-for-your-own-good-self_ . “Qiang!” she screamed, giddily, and fell to the ground and began rolling around in the dirt. _No, no of course. You love your mount. Who was I kidding?_ While she inquired “Where’s my Qiang?” I punished myself with one faceslap. Since my nose was not-broken anymore, I could get away with doing that. “He walked over there” and because _I_ was ‘preoccupied’ with watching Toph roll around in the dirt, _and slapping my face_ , I didn’t see where the Avatar was pointing or even if he was pointing. Oh, and he was standing to my right, so I doubt I'd have even seen him anyways. But it's fine, Toph backed me up in the best way she knew how. “That’s very helpful, Twinkletoes." Then she opted to get up, _here, you can take my hand...or don’t it’s fine_ , and rubbed some dust in her matted hair. She ran off to the carriage where her favorite friend resides and headbutted herself through the wall that some Dai Li worked very hard to rebuild. They might've groaned but that would've been cancelled out by her act of casually headbutting a thick stone wall.

“Your Majesty, what do you want us to do with the Avatar?” I asked, accidentally letting it sound like he was my prisoner. _Note, please never treat your honored guests as prisoners, and please don't deceive them and fail miserably_ . “You sound like you’re treating us like your prisoners” came the skeptical Sokka. _No, really?_ “I do as Her Imperial Majesty commands” I said, formally, while informally going _no, really?_ Before he skeptically drew his boomerang out of his boomerang purse, _a very manly purse_ , I declared that “If they’d like some tea, they can have some tea. Dai Li!” -and the Dai Li bowed- “Entertain the Avatar’s team!” Three surprised tones, all somewhere between cold and dead cold, “Entertain?”. “But the Dai Li are-” and I cut off Sokka's question with my answer. “Secret police? Expert assassins? Talented polite information retrievers? Loyal servants of the Badgermole Throne? Of course.” I answered a question they may or may not have asked. Then I answered more of that question, since for every shadowy positive there must be a more populist positive. “They are also excellent artists, musicians and poets.” With a hint of _dreaminess_ to her voice, Katara went “ _Artists?_ ” Surprised, Aang piped in “Musicians?” “Poets? I’m a poet” Sokka said while enunciating his voice to sound like a poet would sound when inebriated. I looked at them like they were all crazy. “What, you think the Dai Li spend all day working and turning our problems into solutions?” and the Dai Li heads nodded. _I wasn't asking you, General Bobble and the Bobblers_ . “Judging by their reactions, yes?” Aang said, on the fence between belief and disbelief. _Kind of like how we were all on the fence as to whether you were dead or just avoiding responsibilities_ . “The Dai Li have such soft sweet voices!” came Her Imperial Majesty in a more girlish voice, _eww, oogies_ , from a dark cave-like carriage. _How do you hear us...wait of course your hearing is excellent. Carry on, everyone_. I pointed my imaginary blade at them and yelled “Dai Li! Sing for them!” and the line of Dai Li broke formation and their heads tilted in either direction, as if silently picking the couple who are unlucky enough to be chosen. After a few moments of shock and surprise as the whole world -not really the whole world but everyone that mattered- watched the Dai Li bobble about, a platoon of agents walked forward. 

They broke off into three lines and formed up in front of the Avatar and his awestruck companions. A pair of agents at the front, a pair behind them, the rest forming a wall. A completely _different_ agent skated up to the Avatar, bowed, and declared “Presenting, the Imperial Dai Li Choir! Our choir is old, our voices are still gold!” before he skated back to his best friend and the rest of the hat wearing stone pillar people. The Avatar looked about ready to faint from surprise, his Princely eventually brother-in-law who’s also my cousin-in-law - _note is that a title?_ \- and Katara seemed genuinely happy. “Your Earthliness, what is this?” the Avatar uttered, shocked. Not as shocked as that one time in Caldera, though. _I have no idea. I’m not the Grand Secretariat_ . Before we could get into the nitty-gritty, and _no that wasn’t a euphemism_ Imperial Archivist _Lee_ , the steadfast pillars began.

The lead agent pulled the classic “I’m a poet in love” pose. 

_Aiiiii wonder why I love you like I do_. 

The backline kept a steady beat.

 _Dun dun dun dun dun dun_.

_Is it because I think you love me too?/ dun dun dun dun dun dun_

The second pair of agents threw in the occasional _dah dah dah dah_. I prayed to Kyoshi, or maybe Agni, that someone would toss me a whiskey. They didn’t. So here’s -I assume the title- “I Wonder Why I Love You Like I Do”:

First and second lines:

_Don't know why I love you_

_Don't know why I care_

_I just want your love to share_

Chorus:

 _Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun_ with a few _wop_ s and some _dah dah dah dah_ s.

The lead pair sang the next stanza:

_I wonder why/I love you like I do_

_Is it because I think you love me too_

_I wonder why/I love you like I do_

_Like I do…………_

Chorus.

The lead and second pairs sang the next stanza: _I told my friends/That we would never part_

_They often said/That you would break my heart_

_I wonder why they think that we will part_

_We will part………_

Chorus.

“Enough!” If I put up with any more of this, I might take to rule five hundred and forty three of the Dai Li: Executing subordinates is okay if they break your ears with their singing. _Grandma Kyoshi, what kind of rulebook is this_ ? The first pair had high-pitched voices, the second were average, and the backline could make Long Feng quake with their deep, pulsating...voices. _That was, in fact, not a euphemism. You, Lee, have just never heard the Imperial Dai Li Choir sing_.

As a note, I'll gladly endure weeks of frontal-assault-against-dug-in-positions sieges where we're forced to _race_ towards the Royal Palace in a competition of which rich powerful man's going to stick his flag in some socket, _no, not deliberately a euphemism_ , but singing Dai Li troupes? That’s hard.

Did the Avatar faint? Did Sokka murder someone for stealing one of his many terrible hobbies? Did Katara faint from giddiness? No, not yet, and possibly. Aang and Katara _clapped_ and Sokka was taken aback. _You and me both, Prince Sokka_ . “That was...you all have...wonderful voices” the master waterbender commented, embarrassed at her own decorum. _Oh good, now you’re going to fall for one of them, aren’t you?_ Well she didn’t, but out of the corner of my eye, I spotted my personal bodyguards _also_ attending this musical performance. “Suki! Get a hold of your men!...I mean women!” I barked orders at an invisible aide, because in fact, she was already over there. Was she taking control of her girls? Does the Imperial Army ever win a battle without high casualties? In both cases, _nope_ . But I'm more disappointed in the former than the latter. The former is...preventable. The latter is reality. She even yelled “Go Dai Li!” and a bunch of makeup wearing girls joined the applause. Being Kyoshi Islanders, they tossed one of their own at the stone-solid lines who had yet to turn around and reform. _Because nobody ordered them to reform, all I did was tell them to stop_ . _Thanks for being competent, but in doing so you sacrificed your individuality._

The Empress was not one to miss all this. Okay, she _missed_ all of it since she couldn't exactly _see_ what was happening, but she also _saw_ what was happening. She rolled, _note, she can do somersaults_ , side-over-side over to the lines to whom I had just gotten around to going “get back to the carriage!” She headbutted herself a pillar which pressed her into an upright position and then pointed at the lot of them, going “You all have such _sweet_ voices!” She made sure to cheer at them _in the face_ . Maybe even spread her saliva everywhere with her scream-y cheering. Of course, nothing entertaining including Toph can last forever without her favorite forced inclusion. She yelled, while still facing one of these men, “Now, if only I had a Consort who could sing!” _Is this going where I think it’s going?_ “I can’t sing, Your Majesty. We have administrative-” but I was interrupted by a rock glove waving at me. “What’s your excuse, Kyoshi? You learned to wield a blade, can’t you learn to sing?” _No._ The Empress stomped over to my alone position, out in the middle of a grass field. I must say, that stomping was imposing. And I also have a Kyoshi Island based tendency to not buckle under imposing-ness. Formally, I addressed her with a “Not really, we have matters of worldwide diplomacy to-” She interrupted me with her palm, then she used her Imperial powers to go all Imperial on my Imperial-ness. “By the power vested in me, I order you to sing!” Stupidly, this legally permissible move surprised me. “Your Majesty, was that an Imperial Edict?” and I kowtowed because that’s the correct thing to do. “My word is law, is it not?” she inquired, now head-to-head with me. _Note, it's hard to have communications when one of us is half the other one's height. Thus, kowtowing. Okay I might be dramatic, she's not half my height but she gets up to my chest_ . “It is, Your Majesty” I said, quite disgruntled but also quite formal. “Then I order you to learn to sing!” and I got up at her behest. My lack of nuance or subtlety were great assists for my stupidly high amount of reflexive honesty. “I warn you, I can’t sing for the life of me”She leaned her head back and laughed. “You mean to tell me you can conquer a city but can’t sing?” I tried to knock her laughter down to less ear-blasting levels. “I also can’t see distance, is it _that_ unbelievable?” But she knew my plan, since I wear my emotions on my...well I'd say sleeve but she tugs on my hair when I sleep. So...I wear my thoughts on my hair. Head hair. Not to be confused with not-head hair. She gave the longest reply she deemed necessary. “Yes. It _is_ .” _I’m not going to get anywhere with this, am I?._ In case the Imperial chewing out wasn’t embarrassing enough, the Avatar and his companions got to watch our polite discussion. If this was a Pu-On Tim play, such a polite conversation would end with one or more of our clothes vanishing into thin air and...oogies. Because apparently two people can't have a simple conversation about learning a new hobby without flowers being plucked. _I need a whiskey_.

I walked off to the carriages because _it’s time for tea, or maybe for me, whiskey, is it not?_ On my long march and short run, I passed by my bodyguards definitely not guarding my body and certainly striking up conversation with the Dai Li. I didn’t _need_ to be guarded, we’re in the middle of nowhere and there’s more master earthbenders here than the rest of the South combined and more competent people than everywhere outside of Kyoshi Island and Ba Sing Se, combined. “Captain!” I shouted for Suki because I wanted her. “Which one?” Wuhan called back to me from his _every-move-she-makes-I-make_ mobile guard position, also known as following Toph around no matter what. As I spotted her fan headdress and walked over, “the one currently pushing her friend into talking to a member of the Dai Li” and Wuhan stood down. He was busy chasing Toph about as she smashed her head into the ground, vanishing into the earth before reappearing elsewhere in the field. I pity him for that. If I was an earthbender, or had two eyes, I'd probably be forced to follow her through every random spontaneous tunnel of hers, too.

I got up behind the Captain and quietly went “Captain…” and let it trail off. It's an introduction in it of itself. The Dai Li man who her friend was chatting with noticed me and my eyepatch and bowed. Suki turned her head, spotted me, then was all like ' _oh I have a job, right, right, of course_.' “Good morning to you, too” she greeted me. “May I ask what your friend is doing? We’re in the middle of a hostile warzone” I inquired. And yes, I knew we were safe, but one can never be _too_ safe. Only inside Ba Sing Se or back home do I ever feel completely secure. And Ba Sing Se's full of assassins. So what does that make this random hole? Assassins x assassins, Assassin Consummation Edition?. _Wait no, idiot, you haven't had a drink yet. That's why you're acting strange_. Suki innocently explained “She’s flirting, Your Majesty” _Oh._ One quick examination of the flustered woman in makeup confirmed what my cousin just said. Because I was feeling mighty interested, _no not in this woman,_ but in destroying the embers of love when said love interrupts my Empress's safety and also my dinner schedule, “May I ask... _why_?” and I took a step over to look at someone who’s name I had forgotten but resembles someone who _might_ have tackled me into a lake at one point. _Wait, were you the shirtless one? If so, I hope this strange Dai Li man's into strange shirtless-based tackling activities._ The Kyoshi Warrior blushed, “Forgive me, Your Majesty, but I think he has a lovely soft voice. I didn’t know flirting was forbidden.” and she bowed. _Wait wait, no._ Before she could sulk off to a life of loneliness, “Wait! Flirting isn’t forbidden. Do whatever you want, just do it when off-duty.” and Suki smiled. _Oh no, she's smiling. She's about to airship-slice someone. With a katana._ “Thanks,” my esteemed fangirl, _my cousin, you strange Archivist Lee,_ opted to thank me with a shoulder uppercut. _ow, what was that for. Oh wait, it’s payback_. “Aren’t we off-duty, Your Majesty?” the Kyoshi Warrior asked, now all giddy. “You see that woman currently tossing a stone column into a forest?” and I pointed at said woman as she one-handed lobbed a stone pillar into a bunch of trees. She was trying to sense how far she could _toss_ a stone _pillar_ the size of one of the ones in the Imperial Palace. “I do” the Warrior replied. “Then the answer’s no.” and I put my hand on my _jian_ hilt to show that I was _serious_ about protecting my Empress. Which is why I was standing over here, far out of artillery -I'm sorry, 'accidental kill'- range. With that said, she seemed capable of handling herself, _wow, who would've thought the Empress could handle herself? It's almost like you and her ran across the then-Kingdom and she had less trouble than you and your stupid morals did._ _Dead people can't call it stealing._ I _looked_ at her, focusing my useful eye on her and her giddy expression, and concluded “How...ever, we’ve also got more people guarding than I can count, so you’re dismissed to take your Dai Li friend and go do ‘friend’ things with him. If I don’t hear about it, it didn’t happen” and I _might_ have tossed the Kyoshi Warrior into the static Dai Li man. She blushed, he was a stone wall, she crashed into him.

And that's probably how babies are born. _No, you moron, they're born from the product of two shirtless people_ \- nope, nope. The Avatar's here. He can't hear about such oogie-based things. And _what was that about a whiskey? Are we not going to get a whiskey? If not, then someone's going to be angry. And it's going to be you. Wait, wait, we want him to repopulate the Air Nomads so we can get some trade deals. He better know his oogies from his oogies or...no wait no we had this discussion already. You got blinded in one eye from it. Wait, no, pure coincidence that you were water-whipped one day and lost the little bastard the next._ _Wait there's no such thing as coincidence the spirits just hate you_. So that's how babies are born. The Spirits hate someone, the end.

Suki grabbed my elbow and pulled me out of a wonderful self-monologue about childbearing - _you don't actually carry them, they're not sacks of grain_ \- to give me some flirting advice. “Your Majesty, if you openly tell someone to do things with someone else, they’ll be embarrassed.” _Why thank you, Sukes_ . “Why? I’m encouraging the two to do whatever they want. Wouldn’t that drive more passionate passion?” and she shook her head. “It’s actually the other way around. Except not for some people. Like me” and she grinned. _Of, course you're special. You're Suki, blood of Kyoshi, Clear Whiskey drinking, katana-wielding, Suki._ “Right, right, because you can tackle-attack your dear Prince whenever you want” and I did this hand motion with my feet where one foot kicked the other foot, trying to simulate a tackle-attack. I would've used my hands but they were busy posing heroically for the really confused Avatar and his in-love-with-their-voices girlfriend and her in-love-with-Suki brother. _Poor Lord Egg, the Repopulator. Can't get any loving._ “That’s right!” she yelled, re-railing my mind. Also, she was grinning. _Stop grinning_ . I had to counter her with something. “Forgive _me_ because I’m the Consort for the one person this side of a Water Tribe who thinks subtlety is for the Fire Nation” and sure enough, she forgave me. "You're forgiven." I don’t know if she has the authority to, but as my newly named Advisor on Loving Affairs, no that’s not a title, yes I just made it up, yes I can make up titles...I supposed I need to seek her counsel on anything related to _guess what_ , loving affairs. Now, as this isn't the world of Pu-On Tim, said loving affairs will take about as long if not equal to the amount of time it takes to unify the Empire.

The Kyoshi Warrior and the Dai Li broke Suki’s first principle of affection, or I guess it’s her first principle, because they _did_ hit it off. At least until his commander showed up and grabbed him by the braid. His manly braid. _Just like your manly, manly queue that a teenage girl pulls on like a cord, right? When your hair is almost as long as the person you're betrothed to, are you really one to talk about manly hairstyles?_ The commander-man didn't care for manly hairstyles, he just tugged on his hair to pull him out of his possibly start to something that one day might become hand holding. “What are you doing out of line, agent?” and he -the defensively in love agent- pointed at me and in a stone cold voice, went “he...His Majesty approved of it”. So the man who must’ve been his commander _slid_ over to me. “Your Majesty, is this true?” he asked while bowing. I winked a few times because this whole situation seemed mighty nonsensical. Or perhaps, not nonsensical enough. _Whiskey._ “Why wouldn’t it be? There’s nothing wrong with dating while on-duty” and I turned and tried to track down the Avatar because _it’s tea and whiskey time with Team Avatar_ . “But...but...Your Majesty just said the opposite” the too-honest-for-this-line-of-work agent called out. So I halted, heel-turned like a pro, and formally went “New Imperial Edict. I’ve got tea to get to!” and I ran off like a child off to find his kind-of friends who he only affiliates with because they're cool and he's insecure about not being as cool. I managed to accidentally track down Suki instead, yelled “Suki, keep your hands to the pants of Sokka! With me!” _I don’t think I meant to say it like that_ , and the Kyoshi Warriors who weren’t having _interesting_ conversations about art and singing with Dai Li agents ran after me. 

The glorious men of the Imperial Guard took perfectly placed steps -because they train for train-related events, some of those requiring more trainings of their own, such as Train Defensive Training and Train Offensive Training- to the side to part for me and my... _how many women are actually following me?_ Kyoshi Warriors. I visually confirmed that the Avatar had vanished when I needed to apprehend him the most, _note, keep an eye, my eye, on the Avatar_ , and concluded he was probably airballing around inside Her Majesty’s Imperial Party Train. Dramatically stomping in, he and his friends were within the vicinity of _a_ sofa. Aang was trying his best to copy the Dai Li and their many voices, to which Katara was applauding him from the comfort of the sofa, and Sokka was skeptically investigating a closet for some reason. _You...what are you doing in that closet?_ I let my entire band file in before saying, since I only noticed this when I decided to _turn around_ and look at them, “Wait, why are there only three women with us?” to Suki. She gave me this “You didn’t command all the girls to come with you, so they’re back outside flirting” airbender-style reply. But credit to her, the airbenders went extinct because they didn't know how to flirt. So maybe flirting _is_ important. _Wait no they aren't extinct, Lord Egg's right here_ . Back to reality, _of course they are flirting._ I pulled a Zuko and pinched the bridge of my nose to avoid combusting. _Don't combust into flames. Don't let your inner fire take over. Something something Uncle_ . _Let the anger stop. Let it out, but try not to decapitate anyone. Unless you don't like them_ . I ended up yelling that anger out. “How...Captain! How. Tell me how.” _Okay, some of the anger is out_ . In retrospect, she's the only person who isn't Toph who, when relaxed, can and _will_ tell me off when I'm being a bit too sober for my wits. “Don’t ask me, ask them." and she pointed at the doorway as if the lot of them were congretating like moth wasps to a candle. Or...well the Dai Li aren't a candle, they're like the edgy sweethearted-on-the-inside counter. The Mai of candles. In her words, "They’re independent people.” _Yes, yes, we’re all so independent. That’s why you’re my subordinate and they are yours and I'm Toph's subordinate and Toph's her own boss. We're all so independant. What are you, an egg?_ It was time to pinch the bridge of my nose again. Considering Katara's musing of happiness at my ability to pinch my own nose without screaming, my nose must be healed. Once done with that nonsense, “The three of you that got your makeup lips off the Dai Li for enough time to follow me, grab the Avatar and his girlfriend some tea.” and I walked out. I’m sure behind me, the Avatar and his girlfriend appreciate the compliment and blushed. Maybe they even did some oogie things and called eachother oogie names. I wouldn't know, I'm not some all-seeing spirit, _ahem, spirits?_. “What about me?” asked the closet-diving Sokka who sounded muffled by...cloth? Was he sleeping under a carpet? I wasn't that interested in finding out then. So I explained to him as best as I could, “You’re an adult. Make your own”. A carpet groaned, but alas, that's the carpet's problem.

I needed a cough to prepare for a loud shout. _Cough_ . Then a loud shout. “Girls! Stop. Flirting! Get. Your. Makeup. Lips. Off. Her Imperial Majesty's Imperial Secret Police and also Choir! Now!” and my bodyguards got the message and marched away from their innocent, completely not-oogie conversations, to me. “All of you, inside, now!” and the Warriors of Kyoshi ran inside just as a disorganized flock of female birds flies into a wall. Some of them make it on the first try, some of them don't. Some are busy checking their mates out. _Hey, I grew up under the migratory duck-geese patterns. Part of hunting them is knowing when they're most vunurable. Turns out, two birds mating is a great time for a good old thwicking_ . _Applies to people aswell. See, Dai Li rule...oh forget it_ . As for the Dai Li and the green-and-golden lines of the Imperial Guard? That’s - _wait, 'that's'? They're people_ -, correction, _they're_ not my authority. For as long as Toph wants to go headbutting things like pillars, boulders, her men, they’ll be out there, standing vigilant and happily playing 'catch the boulder' with her and Lord Qiangyang. Or...the Imperial Guard will be happy to do it. The Dai Li just stare and play 'catch the boulder' with all the elegance of the Royal Fire Academy's music club is musically inclined. And according to my once-inside sources, their music club never took off. Their instrumental military march club did. Back to the present reality circumstances that I have to try and control like a drunk man controlling his fists, Toph gets the master earthbenders, I get the master nonbenders. She gets the militarized half of Kyoshi’s ethics, I got the civil half. There’s something romantic and poetic and probably artistic to say about two halves coming together but nonbenders will forever be inferior to benders so whoever wishes to make that statement is...wrong. There’s no “other half”. Just as fire and water can’t mix, _no, you poets of the Upper Ring, they can’t_ , benders and...wait where was I? It’s time for tea. Fire and water cannot mix. I don't care what Pu-On Tim says about the for-now Fire Lord and the for-now Princess of the South. For now.

Now, _why_ is Prince Sokka in the Imperial Clothing Cabinet?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this! No, really. I appreciate it. 
> 
> There's more nonsense like this, and also for any of this context to make sense, I suggest reading the following:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/22805290/chapters/54499294
> 
> Some context, below: Happily poached from my own work.  
> One-Shot Notes for One-Shot Reading Folks (But who needs all the context?):  
> -A uncommon joke for Kyoshi Islanders, by Kyoshi Islanders, is that things are not suitable for those under the age of one-hundred-and-eighteen. Now, if only all the elderly weren't leading charges against daofei, going swimming in ice water in the middle of winter, getting really drunk and trying to duel a waterbender on an iceberg, etc., they might live to create such jokes. Alas.  
> -As in RoK, there's many dialects of, let's call it, 'Common' (I have no other name and there's no Angles, Saxons, Normans or Latins in the world of Avatar), in the Earth Kingdom (now Empire). Northerners sound far-removed from Southerners, but someone like Mori who spent part of, not counting campaigns, a year in the largest city in the world, he picked up on their dialects.  
> -"If it exists, there is a title for it.", or, the Imperial Court's first priority, inventing more pomp.  
> -The Dai Li's choice of song? ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZBSGaWrEn4 ). Dion will be a recurring choice of mine. Something about late 50s early 60s Barbershop Quartets and teenage-voiced singers meshes so well with a secret police organization. Feel free to sing along, then get unfortunately cut off by a teenage auburn-haired Emperor. Substitutes include: little siblings, responsibilities, and military service.  
> -There's thousands of rules in the Dai Li, rules for every contingency imaginable from sudden spirit invasion down to exploding circus terrorists. Or, in the Dai Li rulebook, Operation "Honk Honk, Kaboom".  
> -'Right right, of course' is a common motto of Kyoshi Islanders  
> -If his bodyguards started flirting, they wouldn't be around to, well, be around, for the upcoming dinner of his. And sure he'd take it in Toph's room anyways, but it's all part of a organized schedule designed to maintain the largest number of active guards possible at any one time.  
> -A majority of the Dai Li agents accompanying this group are late teens-early twenties, thus why they are part of the Imperial Dai Li Choir. The older agents just happened to have lived long enough to boss around people younger than them.  
> -Lord Egg is a unofficial title for the Avatar. As of now, at least. Oogies, on the other hand, is the Imperial Mandated word for romantic relations between two people. Mori dares you to say 'romance'.  
> \-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Or leave a comment and I'll answer to the best of my sleep-deprived capabilities. 
> 
> Ten Thousand Years.
> 
> -Me.


End file.
